Tired of the same ol' "Happy Birthday"s, "Congraderaultions", and "I Want Sprinkles?" Then consider these inspiring sentiments the next time you order a cake.
Perfect for the neighbor kid's party!
Assuming you're moving soon, of course.
Here's a solid, any-occasion choice:
Although it's especially effective when dropped off anonymously in the office break room.
For when the get-well and sympathy cards just seem too namby-pamby.
Because you can never be too specific.
I think I speak for Amy & Claudia when I say: that had better be chocolate.
There's this new "budget-friendly" home insurance plan around: It doesn't actually cover any losses, but you do get this nice cookie cake:
If only all bad news were delivered via cake. Can you imagine?
"He's breaking up with me?? Why that lousy, rotten, om nom nom ooh, hey! Raspberry filling!"
Thanks to Anony M., Kris K., Lauren M., Gal N., Amy D., & Melissa K., who might go back to cards after this.
*****
P.S. Prepare for a triple dose of "Awww," because LOOK HOW CUTE:
This teeny pocket-sized dragon comes in a bunch of different styles: wearing aviator goggles, nursing a singed wing, even skateboarding, heh. It's hard to pick a favorite; they're all so stinking adorable!
Bakers, in case it's been a while, this is your friendly reminder to go ahead and spruce up those window display cakes. After all, without them the customers might have to rely solely on your signage to evaluate your baking skills:
And nobody wants that.
("I'll take a Sahara and two small Mojaves, please.")
Now, your display cakes say a lot about your bakery. Ideally, you want these things to be positive, like "Look! Our cakes don't show the dirt at ALL!"
Or, "Yes, we CAN cut out small pieces of paper!"
Or even just "Divorce!" written in German:
Your displays also showcase the things that are most important to your bakery.
Like spelling:
And the fact that you never make the same mistake more than twice:
And finally, remember: when it comes to drawing in potential customers, you can never go wrong with a really good wizard cake:
Guaranteed to work like magic.
Thanks to Elizabeth R., Mary I., Erin Z., Kate, Catherine C., & C.M., who think that last window might have a few kinks to work out.
*****
I usually like to tie in my product links to the final cake, so this is an EXCELLENT time to plug my friend Scott's side-job:
This is the first book in a hugely entertaining series about a modern day guy who tweaks some software code and ends up in the middle ages posing as a wizard. It's HEE-LARIOUS. Go check it out if you need more fun stories in your life.
The whole thing is magnetic, and it also comes with a double-sided adhesive for non-metallic machines. Also comes in black, and there's a prettier cursive option if you don't want the bright red/green!
Last week we had some friends visiting with their new baby. Jen and I don't have kids - not unless you count the kind with claws and hairballs - so being around a lil' diaper potato has put me in a baby kind of mood.
Granted, I'm as seedless as a bag of lettuce*, but indulge me, won't you?
*See also: Sterile as a box of Band-Aids Fruitless as a butcher shop Pulp-free
Technically, it's also of girl.
I think that's spelled "Toby."
You're right: "3 Times" was just silly. Much better to cross out the "s" with that exclamation point.
Ok, nobody panic. We're just gonna need some hot towels, a flashlight, and a low voltage car battery. And no sudden movements.
Well, yee-haw! Good for you, son!
And finally,
Guess Who!!
Aaaaand the baby mood is gone.
I do, however, miss my cats.
Hey Kelly R., Merideth J., Kimberly G., Danielle R., Beverly S., Anony M., Susan G., & Sarah W., is there a doctor in the house?
******
If you got that last joke and know who Tom Baker is, then I have a timeless treasure for you:
You can buy this book as a beautiful hardback, paperback, OR the the audio version, which is read by an entire cast of actors including Tom Baker! So cool, and perfect for Doctor Who fans.
We all know dads' tastes are just as diverse as, well, non-dads, so when it came time to choose today's Sweets I decided to hone in on one specific dad: mine.
So, here 'tis: Father's Day Sweets for my dad, Jim Yates. But the rest of you can feel free to look, too. :)
Hey, Dad, remember that time the neighbor's little boy snuck in to our house, grabbed your guitar, and dragged it down the sidewalk? Ah, good times.
Also, I don't think your guitar looked quite this cool:
Submitted by Kathy H. and made by her sister, Carol V.
And remember how you'd take me for rides on your motorcycle? The turns always scared me, but I loved having my very own kid-sized helmet, and the thrill of climbing into the seat behind you, hanging on for dear life, and thinking maybe my parents weren't quite so embarrassing, after all.
Although, come to think of it, your motorcycle wasn't this cool, either:
It's possible you've blocked this from memory, but you really did teach me to drive. In our ancient green Toyota pickup, no less, with a floor stick shift.
It took me years to figure out what you did for a living. All I knew was you worked at a big, intimidating office/factory and you wore a suit every day. (Btw, you're, uh, some kind of project manager/engineer type, right?) I still remember the first time you asked me if your tie went with your shirt; it made me feel so important, that you'd ask for my opinion. Actually, I still feel that way, any time you ask.
And for the record: that tie + that shirt = perfect.
Remember when I came home crying because all the kids were making flashy, expensive models for a school project, and I didn't have anything flashy OR expensive? You sat me down and asked me what I'd like to do. Then we went to Skycraft Surplus (remember that?). In the end, I couldn't have been more proud: my project board's little Styrofoam car had real working headlights!
To this day, I clearly remember "The Sociological Impact of the Lightbulb" - because my Dad helped me build it.
Remember Starbuck and Midnight, our pet miniature goats? We must have been the only family in an Orlando subdivision with two goats bleating in the backyard. I still can't believe you bought them for us. Heh.
We'd pile into our old green pickup, and you'd sing "Greasy Grimey Gopher Guts" and "On Top of Old Smokey" along the way. Thanks to you I still love the smell of sawdust and grease that hits me every time I walk into our local Home Depot - and today I rock my own tool belt.
One night I peeked into the living room to see what you and Mom were laughing about, and there on the TV was a curly-headed man in a long scarf bouncing into a blue police box.
Soon we were all watching together, just like we watched Star Trek and Night Court and Monty Python together. The next year you brought us to my very first convention - a Doctor Who convention.
(I like to think my geeky lineage came full circle when John and I brought you and Mom to Dragon*Con - thus starting a yearly tradition, perhaps?)
When we were little, you seemed to take sadistic glee in waking Ben and me with loud jazz music, water, or banging suddenly on our bedroom doors - but I'll never forget the time you woke us with "Who wants to go to Disney World?!"
You never set limits on my future, Dad. When I wrote lousy poetry, you submitted your favorite to a national magazine - and you were more disappointed than I was when it wasn't printed. When I thought I wanted to be a professional clown, you got brochures for Ringling College. When I first introduced you to John, you asked if we'd set a date yet.
You taught me to pursue my dreams, marry only for love, and to always finish my Brussels sprouts.
Happy Father's Day to the rest of you dads out there, too! May all your children grow up to make you proud - when they're not publicly embarrassing you on the Internet, of course.
You're never too old to imagine your own Princess Diaries moment, right? And mine goes something a little like this:
[harpsichord dream sequence music plays]
First, there's a whirlwind romance with the dashing stranger who looks like a cross between Nathan Fillion and Kiefer Sutherland during his Three Musketeers days.
(Awww yeeeeah.)
Next, we sink straight into the Fire Swamp.
No, no, just kidding.
Next we play Mario Kart together until 2AM.
Later, after dressing up as Venkman and Staypuft for Halloween (I'm Venkman, of course), and confessing our undying love for one another, there's a painfully romantic proposal:
Performed in an inflatable kiddie pool.
"Jen," my dashing prince would say, "Will you be my own Princess Peach?"
To which I would respond, "Are you kidding? Do Vulcans need the Pon Farr? "(But we are going to Disney for the honeymoon, right?)"
And, BAM! I'm a princess! Next thing you know, I'm living in a castle...
"And over here is your TARDIS closet. As you can see, it is much, MUCH bigger on the inside."
...and wearing pretty princess crowns...
(Modeled after crabby Space Invaders, apparently.)
...and pretty princess dresses...
("Talk about your trunk space, check this action out!")
...and riding my Princess Vespa around...
(Ok, technically this would be a Princess Harley.)
...and...and...wait.You know what? Other than the castle and crown stuff, I've already got my fairy tale ending, complete with video game playing, Princess Bride quoting, and brownie baking prince. (Love you, Sweetie.)
So I guess I'll just end here by wishing all of you:
I like the short and fluffy ones, myself.
Thanks to today's dream team Debbie B., Anony M., Lisa V., Lisa P., Julia B., Vanessa C., & Stephanie S., who, for the record, never even knew fairies *had* tails.
*****
P.S. I found something for the princess who wants to wear something old, something new, something borrowed, and something poo:
Given that I've made some observations and tips on my own journals over time, I thought it was time to share them a bit wider, so here goes: ( Read more... )
Edible paper. Edible paper. EDIBLE PAPER!! Amaze your friends! Astound your coworkers! All you need is...EDIBLE PAPER!!!
(The following message is brought to you by the National Board of Edible Paper and Non-edible Babies.) Hey there, baker! Lonely sheet cakes got ya down?
[defeated trombone slide]
No worries. Now you can turn this:
"Boo! That's so BORING and PHOTOLESS!"
...Into THIS!
"Wow! Is that paper? That you can EAT??"
Yes, it is! And now your bakery can make literallytrillionsof dollars with a little help from this fabulous product, known as... EDIBLE PAPER!!! With Edible Paper (and our conveniently included vehicle clip-art starter pack), you can...
Cut costs! ---What better, more cost effective way is there to celebrate a bride-to-be's journey than with...
...recreational vehicle clip-art?
With a few roses and a stick figure bride, this shower cake is ready to roll!
Save time! ---Why waste precious hours fumbling with piping bags when it takes only a second to hit "Print?"
And it's still just as meaningful.
It's EASY!
---No artistic talent? No problem!! Hearts are difficult to draw, but an edible hearse is just a keystroke away!
Death becomes it!
Yes, with Edible Paper, you are only limited by your Imagination*!
*Imagination clip-art packs sold separately.
Now, don't put away that "Eternal Rest" photo pack just yet; when a customer asks you to "just make it nice ," it's really your time to shine!
You can rest in peace knowing your customer is happy.
Do you love fried chicken? I mean, LOVE love it? But not so much that you want to eat anything that actually tastes like fried chicken? Then you're in luck!
It's finger lickin' great!
Edible Paper!
EDIBLE PAPER!
EDIBLE PAPER!!!
Edible Paper. Transforming your baby shower cakes from this...
Into this:
You're welcome.
Thanks to Susan H., Liana E., Nathan S., Dana H., Taryn, Kerry M., Adam D., Wendy M., Mollie B., who think these cakes look pretty tearable.
*****
P.S. You know what's better than edible paper? EDIBLE CHEESE PAPER:
No, it's not a real cheese printer (booo), but with these prank gift boxes you can make your friends and family THINK it is. There's also an "ear wax candle kit" and an especially cruel 12,000 piece puzzle box of a solid blue sky. DASTARDLY.
Bakers, will someone please get a handle on these clown cakes?
"Woo woo woo!"
Wait. Let me rephrase that.
What I mean is, I'm seeing a lot of funny business lately...
Don't tell me this candle placement wasn't intentional.
(But do feel free to share a burning pee joke. That'd be hilarious.)
...and at some point we just have to ask SWEET MERCY WHAT IS THAT CLOWN DOING?!
Keep it up, Chuckles, and someday you'll be juggling one less dancing dog, if you catch my drift. (You know, tripping the blue elephant? Cooling the cream pie? Honking the big shoe?)
Hey, Bozo! Get those hands where I can see 'em!
Look, I'm all for romance, but did the Wizard display teach us nothing?
And I'm not sure these censor dots are the solution, either:
Though I suppose it does beat the alternative. [shudder]
Thanks to Dominique G., Jeny F., Kara P., Ibo, Melanie T., & Robin M., who are, suspiciously, all smiles.
*****
P.S. Is your life boring? Does your soul yearn for adventure? Are you waiting for the universe to send you a sign?
No, it has to be rated PG. We talked about this...
Look, I've given you a lot of fun options, and you've said no to all of them. I guess I can always find you some chores to do! I need help transplanting those seedlings.
(Submitted by Danette T., "sprout" toppers made by mimicafe Union)
Well, at least make the bed. And see if you can find the dog's leash. And, Sweetie, Christmas was six months ago. Maybe it's time to put away the reinbear?
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