ellery_queen52

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/wreck-a-bye-baby-2025

Sometimes I like to think this blog might have a positive influence on current baking trends. (Oh, stop laughing. A girl can dream.) So, what do you say we mosey on over to a few of our nation's baby showers and see how things are going?

Wonderful!

I mean, sure, "beby" is misspelled, and there's a giant funky headboard thing happening, and the doll is staring at me all creepy-like, but the baby itself is not edible. That's progress, people!

Hey, a lot of those letters are right.

In fact - and feel free to correct me here if I'm wrong - I think "cohgrautions" may be the Canadian spelling.

You might be wondering how many tracts of land they had to search to find these two peas in a pod, or why the baker didn't make the "peas" green. That said, it's not a pregnant torso cake.

Plus it makes me want to start singing "Keep Walking" by the French Peas, so that's a "win" all 'round.

This next one may cause a bit of a flap, but I'll have no truck with such negativity:

After all, nothing drives home the beauty of motherhood quite like a pregnant mudflap girl. Eh? Eh? Am I right?

Well, my friends, I think I've made my point: baby shower cakes are getting better! And all because of me! ME, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAAA!!

AHAHAHAAAHAA!!

BAHAHAHAA...

...huh?

AAAAAUUUGGHH!!

[blink blink]

Well.

Back to business as usual, then?

Thanks to Sose K., Krista M., Susan M., Bob S., & Carly A. for dashing my dreams. You cruel, cruel wreckporters, you.

******

P.S. Watch me un-creepify this post by going from creepy baby cakes to baby beef cakes:

The Buff Baby Rattle

This is hilarious. And a real thing! Amazon helpfully suggested I pair it with the "Do You Even Lift?" baby onesie and now I wish I had a weightlifting friend with a baby to give this to.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/wreck-a-bye-baby-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/meanwhile-at-the-unintentionally-erotic-bakery-part-2-2025

"Deb, everyone keeps laughing at our new spiral donuts. Any idea why?"

"Really? Still? Drat. I even added a sign - I thought that would help."

"Yeah, about that....I'm not sure we should be telling customers to not get their "panties" in a twist. Could you change that?"

"Oh, sure."

"And make sure the new sign mentions we can heat the donuts up, too."

"You got it!"

_____________________________________________________

Attention, customers: THEY'RE JUST DONUTS.

Don't get your p***s in a twist.

P.S. Available Hot...

or Cold!

Thanks for the dough nuts, Sophie F.!

*****

Good news, there's a Volume 2!

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes, Vol II

This one has the word "spiffing" in the title AND comes with a lovely green-and-gold cover, so folks will recognize your sophisticated taste while begging you to stop telling these terrible, TERRIBLE jokes.

*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/meanwhile-at-the-unintentionally-erotic-bakery-part-2-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/the-futures-so-brite-2025

With graduation season over, you might be tempted to revel in the heady hopes of a brighter tomorrow, what with all these freshly educated, newly degreed youngins descending upon our workforce and all.

I'm here to fix all that.

This cake was supposed to say - I kid you not - "It's a girl."

That apostrophe placement will be haunting my dreams tonight.

Of course, it's also possible to get the spelling and punctuation perfect, while still completely missing the point:

Granted, this could be a "he said, she said" issue.

Hey, remember when preschoolers were taught to put the square blocks in the square holes, and the round blocks in the round holes?

Do they not do that anymore?

For some reason I'm getting the feeling this is supposed to be a base"ball." Odd.

And remember that toy with the pull string that told you what the dog says?

Do they not have those anymore, either?

Wait. Is that a cat?

Ok, now I'm really confused.

Still, I guess we can take comfort in knowing that these wreckerators won't always be wreckerators:

Eventually they'll get promoted to management.

Thanks to Becky A., Jane R., Stacey S., Jennifer V., & Alissa P., who want to ask that employee in the background, "Hey, why the long face?"

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/the-futures-so-brite-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/meanwhile-at-the-unintentionally-erotic-bakery-part-1-2025

"Deb, you've outdone yourself!"

"Aww, thanks, Pat!"

"So, what do you call it?"

"Well, with all the candied cherries on there, I'm thinking...'THE CHERRY POPPIN' CANDY CASTLE!' What do you think?"

"I like it."

"AND, we can throw in a half dozen 'Tunnel of Love' cookies with each order!"

"Oooh, good idea! Especially since no one but those college guys will buy any."

"Yeah...I guess the extra icing must be turning people off - too many calories. Remember how that lady said they weren't family-friendly?"

"That was kind of weird. Must be one of those health nuts."

"Aw, you know how it is. People are so paranoid about what they put in their mouths these days."

Thanks to Anony M. & Christina P. for the great spread.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/meanwhile-at-the-unintentionally-erotic-bakery-part-1-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Lindsey

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-goes-to-the-beach-2025

There's 104 days of summer vacation
And school comes along just to end it
So the annual problem for our generation
Is finding a good way to spennnnd it...

By The Uncommon Cakery

And what better place to spend your summer vacation than at the beach? Phineas and Ferb obviously agree, and who can argue with those guys?

So snap open your lounge chairs and get ready to enjoy today's beachy-keen sweets. Starting with this lovely:

By The Cake Zone

Ahhh. I actually feel more relaxed just looking at this. How people can bring themselves to eat these exquisite creations, I'll never undersand.

And you're going to love this collection of underwater friends...

By amateur baker Kristina H.

and anemones.

Let's all wave hello to this next one...

Submitted by Pearl H.and made by *JNFerrigno

'cuz I hear it brings good tidings!

(Ok, ok, I'm sorry about all the beach puns. No matter what I do they just keep rolling in. But seriously, isn't this cake swell?)

Now here's a tasteful take on a beach-themed wedding cake:

By Sheryl Brou

I love that they didn't go overboard.
(Sea what I did there?)

(Ugh, I'm sorry! I'm even annoying myself now. I'll try to reel it in.)

Here's a sweet little seahorse. I think it's totally cute:

By Courtney's Cakes

Water you thinking a boat it?

Sorry! I can't help it. I'll just go with the flow.

By Cakery Creation

Like the tiny pearl bubbles floating along the gentle waves of this cake. Simply buoy-tiful.

And I love the graduating colors of fondant here, and the dusting of "sand:"

By Diane's Sweet Treats

Tangent time: I once had a good friend who enjoyed eating actual sand. Turns out she was deficient in some essential mineral. Which was a relief, since we were about to take her to the lagoony bin.

It's a shore bet she would have loved this sand castle cake though:

By Creative Mom-2-Five

The "sand" is crushed Nilla wafers, should you care to recreate this look for yourself or a loved one who does not enjoy eating actual sand.

There's so much goodness in this next sandy scene, how shell I ever pick a favorite?

I love the pinwheels and the tiny picnic in the corner.

By Cakes by Samantha

Oh, and the embossed pattern on the mini tablecloth! Great little detail.

This final cake is so incredible and realistic you'll swear it's alive. I squid you not.

By Avalon Cakes

Wow, that sucker is beautiful!
(Specifically, the third one from the bottom.)

Whale, I hope you got your fill of beach-themed sweets (and puns) today. I'm sure you're clamoring for more, but that should tide you over for a while!

Happy Sunday!

*****

P.S. If you actually go to the beach, then clearly you need a mesh tote bag that's in such high demand they couldn't even get one for the photoshoot, and had to photoshop it in (badly) later:

Oversized Mesh Beach Bag

Oh yeah, bad Photoshop is how you know it's good. Well, that, and the 2,000+ 5-star ratings. Turns out this thing is actually pretty awesome, and also comes in blue, gray, or white. Grab yours before the manufacturer tries to snatch it up for another photoshoot.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-goes-to-the-beach-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/play-it-again-donkey-2025

Today's Wreck is so unrecognizable I figured I better give you as many clues as possible before showing it to you.

Clue #1: He's big, green, and lives in a swamp.

Clue #2: He's a cartoon ogre.

Clue #3: His name is Shrek.

Clue #4: He looks like this:

Ok, have you guessed who it is yet?

'Cuz here comes the Wreck!

(Choo choo!)

AAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

Ahem.

Ok, so it's shiny, toothy, and has a homicidal glint in its dead, dead eyes.

On the other hand, now we know what would happen if the Incredible Hulk and Sloth from the Goonies ever had a love child. Right, Michelle Y.?

*****

P.S. What do you get when you combine a twenty year old movie with a ten year old saying?
Pure punny gold, that's what:

Check Yourself Before You Shrek Yourself Shirt

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

(Also comes in purple and gray!)

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/play-it-again-donkey-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/8-cakes-for-completely-inappropriate-occasions-2025

I'm a firm believer in celebrating just about everything with cake, and from the submissions you guys send in I'm clearly not the only one. However, there's celebrating, say, a new vasectomy or Daddy's parole, and then there's the stuff that some people might consider, well, inappropriate cake material.

Not me, of course. No sir! Heck, I say, you wanna get pregnant? Then SAY IT WITH CAKE:

Or you're happy you DIDN'T get pregnant? Say THAT with cake.

Let's say your friend Cory suffered a nasty seizure recently. That warrants a cookie cake, right?

(Remember, kids: It's "i before e except after c." Except in the word "seizure.")

And remember that time your friend lost a finger to the lawn mower? Just in case he doesn't, let's remind him! With cake!

I like how this is less a "get well" cake, and more an "IN YOUR FACE! With love from the Lawn Mower" cake.

Driving while intoxicated is a serious crime, so be sure to tell your friends you won't stand for such behavior. Also with cake.

I like to imagine the candles are mini breathalyzers.

(How cool would that invention be? Right? I'll make millions. MILLIONS, I say!)

The world is too success-oriented. We should be sending a better message to younger generations. A message that says, "Hey, no matter what, at least you'll get a cake out of this."

Dangit. Why don't I know any lady farmers to give this to? WHY?!

(PS - You misspelled "Awesome." But I'll let it slide, because melons.)

And finally, my favorite:

Hang on... we get cake for that?

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!

Thanks to Anony M., Katelyn, KG, Paul S., Paige S., April B., & Stephanie K. for the inspiration.

*****

P.S. That reminds me of my Wonder Womb DIY, but if you're not feeling crafty you can buy this!

"Ivy the Plush Uterus"

I'm told "Ivy" is a play on "In Vitro," but I still say Baron Stabby McCrampus of Bloodhaven is a more appropriate moniker.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/8-cakes-for-completely-inappropriate-occasions-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/at-least-its-not-a-land-war-in-asia-2025

My favorite part is how it's written BELOW the picture.

I almost want this baker to be color blind, just so they have *some* excuse.

Fortunately the baker of this wedding cake followed instructions literally:

See? She *did* write it!

Thanks to Robert B., Tenae Z. & Kate L. for falling victim to one the classic blunders. Just remember, guys: never go against a Simpleton when CAKE is on the line! HAHA HA HAHAH AHAH HA... [thud]

Oops.

*****

P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as ridiculous as these cakes:

P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/at-least-its-not-a-land-war-in-asia-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/fetch-me-a-hammer-cuz-im-gonna-nail-this-2025

I just realized that the term "nailed it!" can have two meanings. Well, three. But despite my naughty word outburst yesterday, this IS still a mostly family-friendly establishment, and the third meaning is a little TOO family-friendly, IF you KNOW what I'm SAYING.

Sorry, my caps lock HAS DEVELOPED A MIND of its OWN.

AND I'VE ALSO BEEN DRINKING.

Where was I?

No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere.

Perhaps I should start again.

So. "Nailed it." It can mean, "What ho! I have successfully accomplished my intended endeavor!" *OR* it can mean you hit something with your car.

Pay attention now, because this is a very long setup for a very flat punchline:

NAILED IT.

THANKS TO ANN LEE, who I'm hoping can tell me what kind of bird sheds strawberry-scented feathers. And glitter. And...oh. Waaaaiiit....

*****

"What do you need a 5 pack of assorted body glitters for?"

"The question is what DON'T I need them for."

Unicorn Snot Body Glitter Gel Pack

Plus they're called Unicorn Snot. C'mon. BONUS.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/fetch-me-a-hammer-cuz-im-gonna-nail-this-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/get-me-a-unicorn-chaser-oh-wait-2025

[Note: Today's post contains a mildly bad word, because I put it in to make John laugh and then he said it was too funny to take out. Please parent accordingly.]

According to Urban Dictionary, a unicorn chaser is anything that "serves as a cleansing of the palate after a viewer has been subjected to a distasteful internet image or experience." If you've ever mistakenly clicked a link that showed you something really disgusting, like clown porn or those prairie dresses from Target, then you know what I'm talking about.

You used to be able to buy a Unicorn Chaser from ThinkGeek (RIP), thought they never mentioned what it tasted like. I'm guessing moonbeams and Oreo filling, because I can't imagine anything that tastes better than that, except maybe Oreo filling without the moonbeams. But it might taste like green Skittles, which would be disgusting, and then you'd need another chaser for your Unicorn chaser. Which would be both sad and kind of filling.

Look, my point is that these clouds look like shit:

No, wait. That wasn't my point at all.

My point is, Unicorn horns: Do they really need a point?

Or can they just be a giant lump like a cartoon head injury?
Or a large pile of bird doo-doo?

And do unicorns need heads, or can they just puke rainbows directly out of their necks?

Assuming they still have a horn jammed in there somewhere, I mean?

True Story: As I was typing "do unicorns need heads" just now, I could totally hear one of you saying, "Why would a unicorn need a bathroom at sea?" And I was all, "WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH THE QUESTION, IMAGINARY WISE-GUY READER." And then you were all, "Gee, sorry," and I was able to move on after eating a spoonful of Oreo filling for recovery purposes.

This unicorn-pooping-cupcakes cake is adorable, and I won't have any of you speaking a WORD against it.

Unless you want to comment on the wonky elongated nipple/leg. That I'd be ok with.

And finally, you know how when you visit a friend or relative, and you break something, and you just lay the broken bits down like they're not broken and hope nobody notices until a few days after you leave? No?

Ok, how about this:

You know how when you can't get a cake unicorn head to stand up on its own, so you just break it off and plop it back down on the body at an unnatural angle and pretend it's supposed to look like that?

o.0

[backing away slowly]

If anyone needs me, I'll just be over here eating Oreo fillings in the moonlight. Just as soon as I find a picture of the moon for my computer screen.

Hey Laura B., Andrea & Anne Marie, Joshanna R., Robin E., & Samantha S. - why the long face and creepy demon eyes?

*****

P.S. Oh! For you minions who have both a pool and a sense of style:

Unicorn Pool Float

YOUR STEED AWAITS

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/get-me-a-unicorn-chaser-oh-wait-2025

cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

https://www.cakewrecks.com/home/sunday-sweets-4th-of-july-fireworks-2025

Happy almost July, fellow Sweets lovers!

With America's Independence Day coming up this week, you know I had to find some pretty red, white, and blue numbers:

(By Sugar Hero, who has a complete tutorial on her site)

Plus this one has a drool-worthy surprise inside!

WOWIE. Our flag has never looked more delicious.

And look how sweet this old-fashioned bunting is:

(By Wild Orchid Baking Company in New Hampshire, now closed)

Ahhh, but I have some goodies for my non-American friends, too. Check it out, rainbow fireworks!

(By Victorious Cupcakes in the UK)

So pretty! I like the abstract take on them, and the silhouettes are perfect.

I love the way Glory (yes, her name is Glory!) took these ice cream cookies:

...and stacked them to look like triple-deckers!

(By Glorious Treats, online only)

SO CUTE.

Oooh, I may have spoken too soon on that last flag cake; this one ALSO looks darn tasty:

(By For Goodness Cakes in Charlotte, NC)

I'm loving the thick textured buttercream on top; can't you just FEEL that crunching ever-so-slightly, then melting in your mouth?

Ooof, I really want some cake now.

Hang on, here comes another one that's not helping:

(By b. sweet dessert boutique, online only)

Alllll the grabby hands. Gimmie.

Of course I couldn't pass up a chance to feature another Captain America cake, right?

(By Chocomoo Cakes in Sheffield, inspired by Mighty Mugs)

Look how clean and perfect that fondant work is! So good.

Now, let's end this post with a bang:

(By Adrienne & Company Bakery in Jeffersonville, IN)

Fireworks cake! I love all those bright neon colors together.

This one looks like an oil painting:

(By Katja Seaton in the UK)

Look how the fireworks spill over the edge:

I think that's my favorite part; the way the fallout looks so shimmery near the bottom.

Big finale!

(Baker unknown; Google Image Search has failed me. Anyone recognize it?)

Simple, but wow does that pack a punch.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

*****

P.S. Need a cool gift for the person who has everything? Then how about a card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Paper Pop-Up Flowers

I sent this one to my Mom for her birthday last month, and it looks just like this! Even better, it ships free with Prime, so no extra postage needed.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: